Speakingout
Although the experts had predicted a bleak Black Friday and horrid holiday-shopping season, many of you did your part to jump-start the economy. Don't give up now!
I wish me a merry Christmas 120308 SPEAKINGOUT 3 Morris News Service Although the experts had predicted a bleak Black Friday and horrid holiday-shopping season, many of you did your part to jump-start the economy. Don't give up now!
Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Story last updated at 12/3/2008 - 2:01 pm

I wish me a merry Christmas

Although the experts had predicted a bleak Black Friday and horrid holiday-shopping season, many of you did your part to jump-start the economy. Don't give up now!

In fact, I have a way to help you shake off our nation's doldrums and restore us to prosperity. It's a way to get the gears of finance, commerce and industry turning again and show the Grinches that you are still in charge of your money.

Like any plan we've heard lately, mine will not be cheap. With that in mind, I want you to go out right now to your bank or credit union and apply for a loan.

If they look at your credit record and hesitate, ask for less, or perhaps offer a bribe. The secret is in asking for way too much in the first place; all that's left after that is the haggling.

Then, with cash in hand, go shopping for lots of gifts - for me.

What to buy? Oh, surprise me. After all, at Christmas, it's the thought that counts most of all.

If that thought is of something pricey, electronic and upscale, all the better. For instance, if the store catalog's description includes the phrase "big screen," that would be beneficial to our troubled retail sector.

Other key phrases you might include when completing my wish list are "digital," "fine Italian silk," "24-karat gold," "twin outboard motors, "precision Swiss movement" and "rich Corinthian leather."

As you shop, keep in mind to give until it hurts. To me, of course. That's the only way you can dig us out of this mess. Maybe you had no hand in getting us where we are, but I really don't see how you can sleep at night until you speed the recovery.

What's that you say? You can't spend enough to dig us out of a recession? Might I suggest you petition the federal government for your own yule bailout log?

Everybody's doing it, after all - banks, insurance giants, the Big Three - so why not you? That will make it even easier for you to shop for my Christmas.

Even if Washington gives you only a measly million, that's a million that can slip through your fingers and into my stocking.

When you're ready to make this a Christmas miracle for me, and the nation, write to me and I will send you a list of my sizes.


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