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So I read an article in the Wall Street Journal about companies infiltrating the brain for social media purposes.
Get out of my head 042617 AE 1 For the Capital City Weekly So I read an article in the Wall Street Journal about companies infiltrating the brain for social media purposes.
Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Story last updated at 4/25/2017 - 3:36 pm

Get out of my head

So I read an article in the Wall Street Journal about companies infiltrating the brain for social media purposes. In short, companies want us to be able to type with our minds, which will allow us to communicate faster and more easily, because texting and posting by hand take too long. There is absolutely no way this can go wrong, right?

Flash forward a decade to a conversation that takes place — in my head — while fishing…

Me: Brainbook, post: “Just lost a hot chromer.”

Brainbook: Okay…Message error, alaskalund, no results found to support claim of “hot chromer.”

Me: We’ve thought about this, you’re not supposed to access anything but what I think you should.

Brainbook: Submit error report?

Me: No, just post my thought.

Brainbook: Okay….Message error. There are two thought submissions, which would you like to post?

Me: The one I just thought: “Just lost a hot chromer.”

Brainbook: Message error. Override conscious ego with subconscious ID?

Me: What are you doing in my ID? Get out! Get out!

Brainbook: Post Freudian fishing interpretation?

Me: NO! Tech support! Tech support!

Tech Support: Hello, alaskalund. How can I help you?

Me: Brainbook is picking up my subconscious, get your app out of there!

Tech Support: I’m sorry to hear about that. Let me try to trouble shoot.

Me: Just get out.

Tech Support: Your account has been updated to the Platinum edition, so you have unlimited posting capabilities. Congratulations.

Me: But I don’t want it. Just post what I think.

Tech Support: Partial truths? C’mon alaskalund, that fish wasn’t that big.

Me: What? Don’t judge me, just post what I want. Fishermen lie, man.

Brainbook: Posting: “Fishermen lie, man.”

Me: NO! Not that, post the original thought!

Tech Support: Okay, posting: “Just lost a hot chrome.”

Me: No, Chromer. It means bright steelhead.

Tech Support: Are you sure you don’t mean: “chrome?”

Me: Yes. Forget this, I’ll just type it.

Tech Support: Please don’t.

Brainbook: Yeah, please don’t.

Me: Why can’t you just post what I want you to?

Tech Support: Would you like the Steelhead Jargon Thought-to-Post Upgrade for just $4.99 per month?

Me: No. Brainbook post: “Just lost a steelhead.”

Brainbook: Would you like to add an emoji?

Me: No.

Brainbook: Post successful!

Tech Support: It appears your issue has been resolved. Thank you for contacting Tech Support. Please think: “survey” and complete a short survey to help us serve you better.

Me: No.

Brainbook: Add GPS tracking coordinates to share with your friends?

Me: Heck no. Post location: Los Angeles River.

Brainbook: Notification, your post has been commented on by user: LundsIDUnleashed

Me: NO!!!

“Hey man, you all right?”

“Dude, no, Brainbook has gone rogue.”

“Brain filter fail again?”

“Yeah.”

“Hate it when that happens.”

^

Jeff Lund teaches and writes out of Ketchikan.